Love YOU first...confessions of a (tired) daydreamer

For about the last 5 years, I've battled with pain off and on. My body hasn't worked right. There are periods of time when things are great and then there are times when I can't do much of anything. I've gained weight. I've been exhausted. I've gone days feeling worthless and lazy. I've had moments where the tears just flow. I've been sick more times than I can count and been on so many antibiotics for different things. Since moving to a new state, I just never felt heard by medical professionals. There is something wrong...why won't anyone listen!  Then I found a new doctor. On day one, she looked at me and said "I am so sorry. You don't have to feel like this anymore. We can help you!" And so started the cluster of appointments and referral to a specialist. The endless pokes and pricks. The many lab tests, blood draws, ultrasounds, and scopes. I felt like a pin cushion. With so many questions and very few answers, little by little the...

I'm proud of you.  I'm proud of you for doing your best to be okay.  I'm proud of you for fighting through the hard days.  I'm proud of you for never quitting.    I'm proud of you for being here today. Because I know that there are days when you didn't think you'd make it. I know there are yesterdays that felt so hard and you felt like giving up. I know there are things you don't talk about; things that make you feel invisible, scared, insignificant.  But let me tell you something - it's going to be ok. I don't know what you're going through but I know that you're going to make it through it. You're going to come out of this even stronger. Keep fighting for you, even if no one else does. Fight because you're worth it. You deserve all of the love and happiness. You deserve to feel safe and secure. You deserve to feel seen and heard. You are the most amazing person on earth because you are YOU. There is no one in the world who offer...

Hey stranger. Long time no talk. I hope you are well.  It's about 6:50pm local time and pitch dark outside. I am sitting here in my car, listening to the rain tinging on the rooftop and watching it create the most interesting river on my windshield. Its a soccer training evening for my girl and usually I use this time to run errands, but today I'm choosing to write. I'm choosing to sit and be still with my thoughts, and let the words just flow through the keyboard. So much has been going on and time seems to be flying by way too fast. It's January 2023! How did we get here already? I wish there was a way to just pause time. Slow the world, the weeks, the days down just a bit. Make it all stop... If only.   As I sit here in the cold car, I find my mind spinning in so many different directions. From current life circumstances, to events of this past year, to the excitement of new opportunities that the new year holds, and all that's in between. There's just so muc...

A few weeks ago, I started on a journey to fix to myself. I've been in a bad head space for awhile and nothing I have done on my own has gotten me any closer to healing. I know what I want in my life but I just don't know how to get there...and it's been exhausting. I feel like I am taking one step forward and three steps back, over and over again. Like I'm dancing on the same stepping stone making no progress, spinning around in circles falling flat on my face only to get back up and do it all over again. I decided that the cycle needed to stop and so I made the commitment to myself to see this through.  My first visit was an emotional train wreck. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that. Yes, I am an emotional girl and I have big feelings, but that was like walking into a jewelry store and getting pelted in the face with 1000 water balloons. By the time it was over, I felt spent; in every way possible. Drained. Confused. Broken. Exhausted. Angry. Sad....

This is something I never wanted to write. Something I never thought that I would have to write about...and that point right there is the issue. The "it won't happen to me" mentality that so many of us have. Except this isn't about me but it hits every mama bear nerve in my heart.  And it sucks.  I received a call on Friday from my daughters teacher. It was a call no parent want's to receive. I found out that my poor sweet girl was the victim of some serious cyber-bullying that then spilled into the classroom and I had no idea. A parent of another student brought forth some evidence of horrific things happening in a group chat after hours. Her daughter and my daughter were the targets. Five of her classmates...people she called friends...were spewing hate and breaking their spirits. As the teacher is telling me these things over the phone, my heart started breaking and I just wanted to wrap my girl up and make it all better.  But I couldn't. I wasn't there...

Friends. Sunshine. Bonfires. Happy Hour. Belly Laughs. Road Trips.  Spring Break was exactly what my heart needed.  Have you ever been in such a funk that you felt no joy in doing everyday things? I was there. Everyday was dull. Nothing made my heart smile. Nothing made me feel accomplished. Nothing gave me satisfaction. I was to a point where I needed a recharge. I needed to get out of my four walls and breathe. My daughter was there, too. She needed to get out...far away. She needed friends. She needed joy. We needed a vacation in the worst way. So with little planning, we went.  And it was worth it.  Sleepovers. Junk Food. Pillow Fights. Ice Cream. Movies. Outdoor Fun. Walks. Park Visits.  It brought joy back into our lives. It put smiles on our faces. It re-energized our hearts and souls. I wish it would have lasted longer and she wishes we would have never left. There is just something about "home" that will always be our favorite place. There is something ...

Music is life. It speaks to my soul.  I know I've written about it before but this time, it's about a specific song. I heard it the other day and it captured me. It sucked me in. I didn't know who sang it or what it was called but the melody was repeating itself over and over in my brain. Well, today while working at my desk, I heard it again.  "I want it all" by The Script. I dowloaded it and listened to it over and over. Eyes closed, I let it speak to me. I needed to figure out the words...they were so profound and each time, I felt a deeper connection. How have I never heard this song before? The Script is one of my favorite bands - their music is on point, every song is perfection. I don't know how I missed this one, but I was sold on it.  It speaks my life out loud. It speaks the words on my heart that I wish he knew. The thing about music is that somedays it's about getting lost in the song and other days it's about connecting with the lyrics. Th...

When you have school aged children, especially elementary, it's amazing how much stuff they bring home from school on a weekly basis. When I was kid, I remember cleaning out our desks and backpacks maybe once a month or once a quarter. I guess times have changed! If I don't clean out my daughters's backpack on a semi weekly basis, I might find living things in there building little nests out of who knows what! I really hope that others feel me on this...or is it just my kid?  This weekend while cleaning out her school-to-home folder, I found this gem of a paper. It was a little bit of a time capsule, if you will. There were two columns on this paper...on one side were a few "current favorites" and on the other, a few "predictions for the future." When looking it over, there was one thing that stuck out to me and blessed my heart so much! Out of all things on this paper, was her answer to Favorite holiday/celebration  and she wrote "b-day!" Most...

I check it probably a hundred times a day. It's just a daily routine. Something I don't even think about. Most of it is just junk, advertisements, or school reminders and occasionally there is something that I have to respond to. But otherwise, it's pretty lame. Until Wednesday.  I was just deleting the usual nonsense and then I saw it. There it was...and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I started getting those nervous twitches. I started feeling my body tense up and could feel all the blood rushing out of my face. My heart started beating too rapidly and my hands got clammy. Thankfully I was sitting down or I might have passed out. Pure shock. It's been a year.  I've wanted communication. I've waited for answers. I wanted a sign that I was still a thought. After a year, I had little hope. There was little belief that this day would ever come. And I froze in fear...I didn't know what to do. I waited for so long for this and then all in a matter of seconds, t...

A year ago today, I packed up and moved to a new state. I put everything I owned in my car and my trailer, and drove 7 hours east. I left everything I've ever known behind...my family, my oldest boy, my beautiful perfect house, my friends, my neighbors, my job and so much more.  For 36 years, I lived in the same state. My entire life. One state. And I never thought I would leave. But it was time.  If you know me and know what the last couple of years have been like in my personal life, then you already know why. But there have been some who have asked me why I left. There are others who wondered what I was running from. Some called me foolish. Some said I was so strong. Some thought it was a joke and some even went as far as to cut me off. I guess that's how I knew that I was making the right choice.  I've said it a hundred times or more, but my kids mean the world to me. I would do anything and everything for them...To protect them. To fight for their rights. To stand fo...

Life. It has a funny way of kicking you in the ass when you're already down.  For weeks, it's sucked. SO much. Actually, it's like being in a monsoon without a coat. Like a sucker punch in the gut from an angry toddler because you tied their shoe so they wouldn't trip. Like a spoon caught in the garbage disposal. Like a bottle of fine wine yet you don't have a corkscrew to open it. Or maybe like Alanis Morissette's song...Ironic.   Maybe like all of it.  I am exhausted. My brain is mentally tired. My body is physically weary. My heart is emotionally broken.  I don't have it in me anymore. I am constantly beat down, there's never any compromise and everything is always my fault. I have tried over and over to be supportive. I have tried over and over to understand where I went wrong. I have tried countless times to do things differently, to set boundaries and be respectful for all involved. But it is so hard. How is it ok to be disrespected over and over a...

Hello February. More specifically...hello Valentines Day.  We meet again. *le sigh* Eight years ago, my daughter was just a pee wee and barely old enough to talk but she dubbed this day as "Happy Loves Day." It was always a day full of pink and red dresses, cut out heart love notes on my kids' bedroom doors, and little boxes of chocolates. It was making valentines boxes for school, buying little cards and writing their names 30 times over, and making heart shaped brownies to enjoy after dinner. I tried for many years to make it so special for my kids so they didn't feel left out. It was important to me that they felt so so loved...yes, even if it was over the top for one silly day.  But eventually, it kind of fizzled. And thats on me.  You see, I am not a "Loves Day" fan. I'm not over the moon about spending ridiculous amounts of money on one random day, in the middle of the shortest month of the year, because someone told me that I should. I'm not e...

Happy New Year, friends!! We've closed out 2021...good riddance...and said hello to 2022! I've told you all before that I am not that "New Year, New Me" kinda girl. Thats not my jam. However, something is to be said about saying adios to the shit show that was the last two years. I am still me (like it or not)...but sometimes new everything else is desperately needed.   Friends, 2021 was a HARD year. It challenged me in ways that I was not prepared or ready for. It stretched me - emotionally, mentally and physically - and left me with both memories and scars. I am not ready yet to say 'thank you'...but maybe someday, I will be. Maybe someday, I can forgive the heartbreak, the pain, the lessons, and the misfortunes and I can smile at the good times, the adventures and the many memories of friendship and laughter. For now, I am just so grateful that the one last punch to the gut by the hardest year on record, spared the life of my little brother. I don't kno...

I am a simple girl and I find joy in the small things. I don't need the big, over-the-top things to make my heart happy. I cherish my friends, I live for special moments, and I embrace the simple life.   Today, I experienced my first snow fall in my new home state. It was beautiful and so peaceful! It only lasted a few hours but it brought so much joy to my heart. There is just something special about snow that this Oregon girl loves...it's one of my favorite things! This got me thinking...  Unexpected snowfall. A coffee date. Going on a hike. Wine tasting. Floating the river. Camping. Watching football. Pedicures. Snuggling with my dog. Family time. Celebrating birthdays. Laughing until my cheeks hurt. Hanging with friends. Walking on the beach. Watching the sunset. Playing mini golf. Having pillow fights. DIY projects. Cheering on my kids... These are just a few of my favorite things. Friends, what brings you joy? What makes your heart happy? Are you a sucker for the si...

I started this little blog, my safe space, a year ago on November 21st. The months that followed were a dark time for me; a period of transition into finding my true self again. I struggled to find the hope and joy that I so desperately needed around me and tried to convince myself that I was brave enough to take on life full force.  I wanted (tried) to create a space that I could share my true feelings and hide behind the screen, concealing my true identity. I wanted to be a positive light for someone out there who might be able to relate. I wanted to offer hope and I believe that it helped...even if for just a hot minute.  Then life happened and I got caught up in all the chaos. Again.  And here I am starting all over. Again.  What I can tell you, though, is that I've missed you. I've missed this. Writing, journaling, blogging...it's what keeps me sane. It helps on the hard days and makes the good days that much better. We forget small details, kind gestures, hurt ...

Eyes closed. Breathe in. Exhale. Eyes open.  I'm about to tell you something that most people don't know about me. I'm about to share a secret that most people wouldn't believe. I'm about to speak my truth and share it with the world.  I write these words here about being brave, worthy and positive. I tell you to fight for your dreams and go after what you want. I share heart felt stories and encourage you to believe in yourself. I tell you that happiness is the key to life.  Friends, all of this is true and I want all of this for you.  But what if I told you that I struggle with all of those things for myself? What if I said that self confidence and self acceptance are my weakness. What if I said that I drown in self doubt. What if I said I don't feel worthy of happiness or love. What if I told you that the things I want in life aren't achievable because they don't belong to me. That all the material things I have in life belong to someone else's dr...

Dear Brave Girl,  Somewhere along the way, you lost your shine. You let the weight of the world hold you down. You forgot who you were and what your purpose on this earth was. You listened to the voices that told you that you weren't good enough, not skinny enough, not brave enough, not worthy enough. You succumbed to the life of settling...a life of ordinary. You stopped believing in yourself. You battled the demons in your head and you let them win. You lost your smile, your passion, your light. You became broken.  But you're still standing.  And I am here to remind you of who YOU are.  You are a warrior. You are a survivor. You have overcome everything that was supposed to break you down because you kept getting back up. You faced it all head on. You are strong. You are brave. You are worthy of so much more than you give yourself credit for. You have power in your story. You never quit. You step up and take on the burdens of others, without hesitation. You keep gi...

When you become a parent, no one tells you about all the hard parts. I'm not talking about the sleepless nights, the crying for hours, or the fact that losing the baby weight can sometimes take years. I'm not talking about the teething, the "terrible twos" or even the grocery store tantrums. I'm not talking about the hours of screaming in long car rides, the battles over food or the endless outgrowing of clothes. I'm not talking about the sassy attitudes or the frustrations over doing school work.  Nope, none of that is relevant here.  I am talking about the other hard parts. The big feelings, the borrowed time, and the fact that your heart is forever living outside of your body.  I'm talking about the tears of disappointment when they fail their first test or lose their first game. The heartbreak of a first love. I'm talking about watching them ride off to school on the bus for the first time, or dropping them off and waving goodbye as they walk away....

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I never met you. If all the pieces and roads that led me to that very place, that moment, hadn't happened. I think back to the few weeks prior when my life was headed a different direction. I wonder what life would be like now, had that detour happened.  Sometimes I wonder where we would be had you not left. Would we have made it, then? Would our lives look like our plans and dreams that we thought? I wonder where our journey would have taken us, what memories we would have made and what adventures we would have experienced. I wonder where we'd be at today.  Sometimes I wonder if you miss us. The dynamic trio. I wonder if you miss the fun we had and the memories we made. I wonder if you thought about him growing up and wishing you could be there too. I think he would have loved you. I wish he could have known you. I wish you could know him now like you did back then. I sure miss you and I wonder if you miss me too.  Sometimes ...

Friends, do you have a tribe? Do you have people there to catch your fall, to listen to your ramblings, to love you fiercely through life? If not a tribe, do you have a person? That one support person that is there for every high and every low? Someone who knows you better than you know yourself? Someone who never leaves? If the answer is no, then let me be your person.  I will walk with you in the trenches and help you claw your way out of the darkness. I will be your voice when you feel so broken that you can't speak. I will be your compass when you feel lost and alone in the world. I will be the wall you can lean on when you're tired and you can't stand. I will sit with you in silence and I will celebrate every victory. I will hold your hand while you cry and I will hug all your broken pieces back together. Let me be your person and I will help you build your tribe.  Everyone needs a tribe and I am so grateful for mine.  A simple text. A short video message. A quick FB...