Simply Start

A few weeks ago, I started on a journey to fix to myself. I've been in a bad head space for awhile and nothing I have done on my own has gotten me any closer to healing. I know what I want in my life but I just don't know how to get there...and it's been exhausting. I feel like I am taking one step forward and three steps back, over and over again. Like I'm dancing on the same stepping stone making no progress, spinning around in circles falling flat on my face only to get back up and do it all over again. I decided that the cycle needed to stop and so I made the commitment to myself to see this through. 

My first visit was an emotional train wreck. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that. Yes, I am an emotional girl and I have big feelings, but that was like walking into a jewelry store and getting pelted in the face with 1000 water balloons. By the time it was over, I felt spent; in every way possible. Drained. Confused. Broken. Exhausted. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. All of it...I felt all of it. 

And even after all of that, the crazy thing is, I went back to do it all over again. Week after week. 

It's been about six weeks and I am finally beginning to understand that I am not crazy. I am finally beginning to understand that I am worthy of taking back my power. I am finally beginning to understand that my happiness belongs to no one but me...and I have the choice to re-write my own story. 

One step at time. One day at a time. Little by little, progress is being made. 

Most days, it feels like I am standing at the base of Mount Everest, looking up at this monster in front of me, feeling defeated. But every week, I have been adding one more thing to my tool box. One more rope, one more pick, one more positive self affirmation and my greatest hope is that at some point soon I will look back and see that I've already climbed halfway up without even realizing. And as long as I am moving in a forward direction, still standing, still fighting...then I know that I will be ok. 

The biggest challenge is to simply start. 

The sayings go "If you never try, you'll never know what you're capable of." "If you never start, you'll never finish."

Happiness doesn't come to those who just wait around for everyone else to figure out their life. Happiness isn't bought. Happiness isn't something that you find, it's something that you choose. It's not an experience, it's something you remember. Happiness is not something you postpone for the future...it's something you design for the present. None of us know how much time we have on this earth and so it's up to us to make the best of it while we have it. 

My homework for this week is to choose things that make me happy. No asking for permissions. No making excuses. No negative self talk. No apologies for doing what's best for me. The only rule is to keep it legal.

And when I finish my thoughts here, my first day will be complete. 

Friends, thank you for reading my words and making minutes for me. I am so grateful for YOU and for this safe space to clear my head and share my heart. Thank you for allowing me to be real and raw with you. I look forward to the day when I can stand at the top of this Mount Everest of shit and say "I did it!" and look over to see you standing right there by my side. 

That will be a very happy day, indeed. And it will all be worth it because I chose to simply start. 

xoxo,
T