"Hi"

I check it probably a hundred times a day. It's just a daily routine. Something I don't even think about. Most of it is just junk, advertisements, or school reminders and occasionally there is something that I have to respond to. But otherwise, it's pretty lame.

Until Wednesday. 

I was just deleting the usual nonsense and then I saw it. There it was...and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I started getting those nervous twitches. I started feeling my body tense up and could feel all the blood rushing out of my face. My heart started beating too rapidly and my hands got clammy. Thankfully I was sitting down or I might have passed out. Pure shock.

It's been a year. 

I've wanted communication. I've waited for answers. I wanted a sign that I was still a thought. After a year, I had little hope. There was little belief that this day would ever come. And I froze in fear...I didn't know what to do. I waited for so long for this and then all in a matter of seconds, there it was. I was in disbelief. 

But I couldn't open it. 

Everything in me wanted to open it but I couldn't. I sat there for what seems like hours, paralyzed by this overwhelming feeling of fear of what it said. There were so many emotions flooding my mind, I just couldn't believe it still. What did it say? I wanted to know but then I didn't. Would it be the words that I wanted so desperately to hear or would it be the words that would cut through like a knife all over again. I couldn't do it. I just wanted to delete it and pretend it never happened. 

But I couldn't delete it. 

I let it sit there...for nearly 36 hours...I let it sit there. I didn't sleep. I barely had an appetite. It was constantly there, in the back of my mind. I was so terrified of seeing it again, accidentally deleting it, possibly opening it...I couldn't even look at my inbox anymore. I couldn't function. My brain was so distracted and it was effecting every aspect of my life. I couldn't focus at work. I would daydream driving down the road and forgetting where I was going. My anxiety was so extreme...I had to do something. 

Deep breaths. I had to do it. 

"Hi"... 

I opened it and read it and instantly welled with tears. And again, I was flooded with all the emotions. All the feelings. Sweating, clammy hands, nerves in my stomach, racing heartbeat, blood pressure through the roof. I felt sick. It wasn't good or bad but it was from him. It didn't say much but he said enough. 

It said enough. 

And then, I broke. 

Ugly crying. Snot and tears and waterworks. I was shaking and I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop any of it. I couldn't shut off the wild thoughts in my head. I couldn't shut down the pain. I couldn't stop my eyes from leaking and I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't stop any of the feelings from flowing. Again, I was just consumed by all the things. I couldn't function. 

I cried myself to sleep that night. The first real sleep I've had in nearly two days. And then I got up, went to work and guess what...it was STILL there. Nothing changed. I still felt it. It was still there, in my inbox, except it wasn't bold and yelling at me that it hadn't been read. I read it and it was still there and I knew it. So what did I do? 

Nothing. Again. 

What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to respond? Or was I even going to respond? How do you put all those feelings into words and make it make sense? What if they were the wrong words? What if I miscommunicated or shared too much? What was wrong with me? How could someone take something so routine and so simple and make it into this anxiety riddled multiple days event? Why do I overthink everything so much? 

Ugh. I feel so stupid. I had honestly lost my mind. I had to respond...but I just didn't know how. 

So I opened it up...again. And let the words just flow out. And you know what came out? The only words I could muster up?

"I miss you."

That was it. There it was. However it was going to be interpreted...I had nothing else. 

And then I hit send and now I wait...with all these feelings and all these emotions...and I am terrified. Completely terrified.

Friends, have you ever overreacted over something so ridiculous? Something so simple? Something so routine? Am I being utterly insane? Someone please tell me that I have not totally lost my mind. This is normal, right? And the fact that I am even writing this out and telling the world how stupid I feel, tells me all I already need to know...I am not over him. 

And I don't think I ever will be.

xoxo,
T