Raw, Real and True
Eyes closed. Breathe in. Exhale. Eyes open.
I'm about to tell you something that most people don't know about me. I'm about to share a secret that most people wouldn't believe. I'm about to speak my truth and share it with the world.
I write these words here about being brave, worthy and positive. I tell you to fight for your dreams and go after what you want. I share heart felt stories and encourage you to believe in yourself. I tell you that happiness is the key to life.
Friends, all of this is true and I want all of this for you.
But what if I told you that I struggle with all of those things for myself? What if I said that self confidence and self acceptance are my weakness. What if I said that I drown in self doubt. What if I said I don't feel worthy of happiness or love. What if I told you that the things I want in life aren't achievable because they don't belong to me. That all the material things I have in life belong to someone else's dream. What if I told you that this life is wearing me down...and I cry every night praying to find the strength to figure it all out. My dreams are fairytales that contain memories of someone who doesn't want me. Fairytales that will never come true. I go through the motions of the day and the night, hoping and wishing for the strength to change it, or to make it better. I don't know where to start so I started here...writing this blog. Hoping that these words would help me under the disguise of helping you.
And now it's time to fess up because I am failing miserably.
I can't write when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't write when I can't clear the messy chaos in my brain. I can't write when I constantly feel defeated and like I am failing as a human. I can't write when I all want to do is scream into my pillow and run away at the same time. I can't write when all the words that try and seep out are negative and damaging.
It's just so much. I'm a hot mess and I can't escape myself.
I look into the mirror and I see an overweight, unsightly person starting back me. Completely broken and confused as to how I got here. Anxiety riddled and on the verge of spiraling into a depression. My kids come first, always. They get the best...I get the rest. I've tried self care challenges, I've tried diet and exercise, I've tried taking time outs and positive self talk. Yet every time, I fail.
So here I am. - raw, real and true. This is me. This is the keyboard warrior who hides behind the screen. Never good enough for herself and yet smiling for the camera, pretending everything is fine. Because if I don't talk about it, then it doesn't exists right? I can't hide it anymore. I can't pretend I'm ok. I'm not ok. I'm stuck in an emotional turmoil of next steps to take in my life and what direction I want to go. I'm struggling to find my happiness and searching for the answers. I'm confused about where I am and why I'm here. What do I really want out of this life? What am I showing my kids?
Being a good mom isn't the destination...but it's a part of the journey (and I am so honored and blessed with three amazing kids.) Being a good wife isn't the destination...but having a partner to adventure with and love is a part of the journey. Being a good daughter and friend isn't the destination either...but showing up and always being there is a part of the journey.
I don't know what I want from this post, other than to just get it off my chest. My oldest son just graduated from high school, I moved to another state, and I am wondering if I will be alone in the future. I'm scared. I'm lost. I have no idea how I am holding my life together right now or what "holding it together" even looks like. I feel like I am dancing with the devil...one step forward and three steps back. Right now, I don't know which direction is up. So standing still is all I can do.
Going forward, all I can say is thank you to each and every one of you who reads my words, believes in me, and continues to encourage me to take a step forward every.single.day. I am so thankful for all the amazing people in my corner and I am so sorry for being a crappy friend. YOU are the reason I am still here, still writing, still going. Thank you for simply being YOU.
I love you all.
T
I hear you Ms T!! I cannot assure you that every answer to every problem will always come your way.... I can't assure you of much, other than this.... Whenever you need me, I am here to listen to you, encourage you and remind you just how brilliantly wonderful you are. What an inspiration you are to so many people, and that you are a beautiful human being.
ReplyDeleteGrowth and change are hard and can feel much like what you are describing because it is SO SO different than comfortable and sedentary. However, inside that feeling of doubt, that insecurity, that uncomfortable feeling of what the future holds, is this lady, and dammit she's a lot of things, but she's a fighter and she hates to lose.
I have mad faith in you.
Always,
XO
"I look into the mirror and I see an overweight, unsightly person starting back me." I assure you this is not how some others see you. You are stunning. So much so that shy people like myself think WOW! And you seem so vibrant. It is crazy to think someone like you who exudes such confidence and beauty goes through the same lows that someone like me deals with. You ever need someone to talk to let me know.
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