Love YOU first...confessions of a (tired) daydreamer

When you have school aged children, especially elementary, it's amazing how much stuff they bring home from school on a weekly basis. When I was kid, I remember cleaning out our desks and backpacks maybe once a month or once a quarter. I guess times have changed! If I don't clean out my daughters's backpack on a semi weekly basis, I might find living things in there building little nests out of who knows what! I really hope that others feel me on this...or is it just my kid?  This weekend while cleaning out her school-to-home folder, I found this gem of a paper. It was a little bit of a time capsule, if you will. There were two columns on this paper...on one side were a few "current favorites" and on the other, a few "predictions for the future." When looking it over, there was one thing that stuck out to me and blessed my heart so much! Out of all things on this paper, was her answer to Favorite holiday/celebration  and she wrote "b-day!" Most...

I check it probably a hundred times a day. It's just a daily routine. Something I don't even think about. Most of it is just junk, advertisements, or school reminders and occasionally there is something that I have to respond to. But otherwise, it's pretty lame. Until Wednesday.  I was just deleting the usual nonsense and then I saw it. There it was...and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I started getting those nervous twitches. I started feeling my body tense up and could feel all the blood rushing out of my face. My heart started beating too rapidly and my hands got clammy. Thankfully I was sitting down or I might have passed out. Pure shock. It's been a year.  I've wanted communication. I've waited for answers. I wanted a sign that I was still a thought. After a year, I had little hope. There was little belief that this day would ever come. And I froze in fear...I didn't know what to do. I waited for so long for this and then all in a matter of seconds, t...

A year ago today, I packed up and moved to a new state. I put everything I owned in my car and my trailer, and drove 7 hours east. I left everything I've ever known behind...my family, my oldest boy, my beautiful perfect house, my friends, my neighbors, my job and so much more.  For 36 years, I lived in the same state. My entire life. One state. And I never thought I would leave. But it was time.  If you know me and know what the last couple of years have been like in my personal life, then you already know why. But there have been some who have asked me why I left. There are others who wondered what I was running from. Some called me foolish. Some said I was so strong. Some thought it was a joke and some even went as far as to cut me off. I guess that's how I knew that I was making the right choice.  I've said it a hundred times or more, but my kids mean the world to me. I would do anything and everything for them...To protect them. To fight for their rights. To stand fo...

Life. It has a funny way of kicking you in the ass when you're already down.  For weeks, it's sucked. SO much. Actually, it's like being in a monsoon without a coat. Like a sucker punch in the gut from an angry toddler because you tied their shoe so they wouldn't trip. Like a spoon caught in the garbage disposal. Like a bottle of fine wine yet you don't have a corkscrew to open it. Or maybe like Alanis Morissette's song...Ironic.   Maybe like all of it.  I am exhausted. My brain is mentally tired. My body is physically weary. My heart is emotionally broken.  I don't have it in me anymore. I am constantly beat down, there's never any compromise and everything is always my fault. I have tried over and over to be supportive. I have tried over and over to understand where I went wrong. I have tried countless times to do things differently, to set boundaries and be respectful for all involved. But it is so hard. How is it ok to be disrespected over and over a...

Hello February. More specifically...hello Valentines Day.  We meet again. *le sigh* Eight years ago, my daughter was just a pee wee and barely old enough to talk but she dubbed this day as "Happy Loves Day." It was always a day full of pink and red dresses, cut out heart love notes on my kids' bedroom doors, and little boxes of chocolates. It was making valentines boxes for school, buying little cards and writing their names 30 times over, and making heart shaped brownies to enjoy after dinner. I tried for many years to make it so special for my kids so they didn't feel left out. It was important to me that they felt so so loved...yes, even if it was over the top for one silly day.  But eventually, it kind of fizzled. And thats on me.  You see, I am not a "Loves Day" fan. I'm not over the moon about spending ridiculous amounts of money on one random day, in the middle of the shortest month of the year, because someone told me that I should. I'm not e...

Happy New Year, friends!! We've closed out 2021...good riddance...and said hello to 2022! I've told you all before that I am not that "New Year, New Me" kinda girl. Thats not my jam. However, something is to be said about saying adios to the shit show that was the last two years. I am still me (like it or not)...but sometimes new everything else is desperately needed.   Friends, 2021 was a HARD year. It challenged me in ways that I was not prepared or ready for. It stretched me - emotionally, mentally and physically - and left me with both memories and scars. I am not ready yet to say 'thank you'...but maybe someday, I will be. Maybe someday, I can forgive the heartbreak, the pain, the lessons, and the misfortunes and I can smile at the good times, the adventures and the many memories of friendship and laughter. For now, I am just so grateful that the one last punch to the gut by the hardest year on record, spared the life of my little brother. I don't kno...

I am a simple girl and I find joy in the small things. I don't need the big, over-the-top things to make my heart happy. I cherish my friends, I live for special moments, and I embrace the simple life.   Today, I experienced my first snow fall in my new home state. It was beautiful and so peaceful! It only lasted a few hours but it brought so much joy to my heart. There is just something special about snow that this Oregon girl loves...it's one of my favorite things! This got me thinking...  Unexpected snowfall. A coffee date. Going on a hike. Wine tasting. Floating the river. Camping. Watching football. Pedicures. Snuggling with my dog. Family time. Celebrating birthdays. Laughing until my cheeks hurt. Hanging with friends. Walking on the beach. Watching the sunset. Playing mini golf. Having pillow fights. DIY projects. Cheering on my kids... These are just a few of my favorite things. Friends, what brings you joy? What makes your heart happy? Are you a sucker for the si...