Love YOU first...confessions of a (tired) daydreamer

Friends. Sunshine. Bonfires. Happy Hour. Belly Laughs. Road Trips.  Spring Break was exactly what my heart needed.  Have you ever been in such a funk that you felt no joy in doing everyday things? I was there. Everyday was dull. Nothing made my heart smile. Nothing made me feel accomplished. Nothing gave me satisfaction. I was to a point where I needed a recharge. I needed to get out of my four walls and breathe. My daughter was there, too. She needed to get out...far away. She needed friends. She needed joy. We needed a vacation in the worst way. So with little planning, we went.  And it was worth it.  Sleepovers. Junk Food. Pillow Fights. Ice Cream. Movies. Outdoor Fun. Walks. Park Visits.  It brought joy back into our lives. It put smiles on our faces. It re-energized our hearts and souls. I wish it would have lasted longer and she wishes we would have never left. There is just something about "home" that will always be our favorite place. There is something ...

Music is life. It speaks to my soul.  I know I've written about it before but this time, it's about a specific song. I heard it the other day and it captured me. It sucked me in. I didn't know who sang it or what it was called but the melody was repeating itself over and over in my brain. Well, today while working at my desk, I heard it again.  "I want it all" by The Script. I dowloaded it and listened to it over and over. Eyes closed, I let it speak to me. I needed to figure out the words...they were so profound and each time, I felt a deeper connection. How have I never heard this song before? The Script is one of my favorite bands - their music is on point, every song is perfection. I don't know how I missed this one, but I was sold on it.  It speaks my life out loud. It speaks the words on my heart that I wish he knew. The thing about music is that somedays it's about getting lost in the song and other days it's about connecting with the lyrics. Th...

When you have school aged children, especially elementary, it's amazing how much stuff they bring home from school on a weekly basis. When I was kid, I remember cleaning out our desks and backpacks maybe once a month or once a quarter. I guess times have changed! If I don't clean out my daughters's backpack on a semi weekly basis, I might find living things in there building little nests out of who knows what! I really hope that others feel me on this...or is it just my kid?  This weekend while cleaning out her school-to-home folder, I found this gem of a paper. It was a little bit of a time capsule, if you will. There were two columns on this paper...on one side were a few "current favorites" and on the other, a few "predictions for the future." When looking it over, there was one thing that stuck out to me and blessed my heart so much! Out of all things on this paper, was her answer to Favorite holiday/celebration  and she wrote "b-day!" Most...

I check it probably a hundred times a day. It's just a daily routine. Something I don't even think about. Most of it is just junk, advertisements, or school reminders and occasionally there is something that I have to respond to. But otherwise, it's pretty lame. Until Wednesday.  I was just deleting the usual nonsense and then I saw it. There it was...and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I started getting those nervous twitches. I started feeling my body tense up and could feel all the blood rushing out of my face. My heart started beating too rapidly and my hands got clammy. Thankfully I was sitting down or I might have passed out. Pure shock. It's been a year.  I've wanted communication. I've waited for answers. I wanted a sign that I was still a thought. After a year, I had little hope. There was little belief that this day would ever come. And I froze in fear...I didn't know what to do. I waited for so long for this and then all in a matter of seconds, t...

A year ago today, I packed up and moved to a new state. I put everything I owned in my car and my trailer, and drove 7 hours east. I left everything I've ever known behind...my family, my oldest boy, my beautiful perfect house, my friends, my neighbors, my job and so much more.  For 36 years, I lived in the same state. My entire life. One state. And I never thought I would leave. But it was time.  If you know me and know what the last couple of years have been like in my personal life, then you already know why. But there have been some who have asked me why I left. There are others who wondered what I was running from. Some called me foolish. Some said I was so strong. Some thought it was a joke and some even went as far as to cut me off. I guess that's how I knew that I was making the right choice.  I've said it a hundred times or more, but my kids mean the world to me. I would do anything and everything for them...To protect them. To fight for their rights. To stand fo...

Life. It has a funny way of kicking you in the ass when you're already down.  For weeks, it's sucked. SO much. Actually, it's like being in a monsoon without a coat. Like a sucker punch in the gut from an angry toddler because you tied their shoe so they wouldn't trip. Like a spoon caught in the garbage disposal. Like a bottle of fine wine yet you don't have a corkscrew to open it. Or maybe like Alanis Morissette's song...Ironic.   Maybe like all of it.  I am exhausted. My brain is mentally tired. My body is physically weary. My heart is emotionally broken.  I don't have it in me anymore. I am constantly beat down, there's never any compromise and everything is always my fault. I have tried over and over to be supportive. I have tried over and over to understand where I went wrong. I have tried countless times to do things differently, to set boundaries and be respectful for all involved. But it is so hard. How is it ok to be disrespected over and over a...