I told myself when I started this little blog that I would write when I felt like it and only when I felt like it. When I felt like my words were there...when I felt like what I had to say was worthy of being re-read or repeated. I've taken quite a bit of time off of here because that's what I needed. Sometimes I think it would have helped by writing, but I wouldn't want to go back and re-read those thoughts - depressing, angry, betrayed, sad, self-sabotaging thoughts. All things not worth repeating. But I am ready now. Ready to write the things out that are on my heart. Ready to put myself out there and share myself with the world again. I am fully in control of what I put out into the universe and I have learned to release the control of how others interpret my words. So if you're here, welcome. And if you're struggling with something hard or trying to calm all the racing thoughts in your head, let me share what a sweet friend told me during some of my roughest...
When you become a parent, no one tells you about all the hard parts. I'm not talking about the sleepless nights, the crying for hours, or the fact that losing the baby weight can sometimes take years. I'm not talking about the teething, the "terrible twos" or even the grocery store tantrums. I'm not talking about the hours of screaming in long car rides, the battles over food or the endless outgrowing of clothes. I'm not talking about the sassy attitudes or the frustrations over doing school work. Nope, none of that is relevant here. I am talking about the other hard parts. The big feelings, the borrowed time, and the fact that your heart is forever living outside of your body. I'm talking about the tears of disappointment when they fail their first test or lose their first game. The heartbreak of a first love. I'm talking about watching them ride off to school on the bus for the first time, or dropping them off and waving goodbye as they walk away....
A few weeks ago, I started on a journey to fix to myself. I've been in a bad head space for awhile and nothing I have done on my own has gotten me any closer to healing. I know what I want in my life but I just don't know how to get there...and it's been exhausting. I feel like I am taking one step forward and three steps back, over and over again. Like I'm dancing on the same stepping stone making no progress, spinning around in circles falling flat on my face only to get back up and do it all over again. I decided that the cycle needed to stop and so I made the commitment to myself to see this through. My first visit was an emotional train wreck. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that. Yes, I am an emotional girl and I have big feelings, but that was like walking into a jewelry store and getting pelted in the face with 1000 water balloons. By the time it was over, I felt spent; in every way possible. Drained. Confused. Broken. Exhausted. Angry. Sad....
It's late, but I hope your Christmas was amazing!
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