Love YOU first...confessions of a (tired) daydreamer

A few weeks ago, I started on a journey to fix to myself. I've been in a bad head space for awhile and nothing I have done on my own has gotten me any closer to healing. I know what I want in my life but I just don't know how to get there...and it's been exhausting. I feel like I am taking one step forward and three steps back, over and over again. Like I'm dancing on the same stepping stone making no progress, spinning around in circles falling flat on my face only to get back up and do it all over again. I decided that the cycle needed to stop and so I made the commitment to myself to see this through.  My first visit was an emotional train wreck. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that. Yes, I am an emotional girl and I have big feelings, but that was like walking into a jewelry store and getting pelted in the face with 1000 water balloons. By the time it was over, I felt spent; in every way possible. Drained. Confused. Broken. Exhausted. Angry. Sad.

This is something I never wanted to write. Something I never thought that I would have to write about...and that point right there is the issue. The "it won't happen to me" mentality that so many of us have. Except this isn't about me but it hits every mama bear nerve in my heart.  And it sucks.  I received a call on Friday from my daughters teacher. It was a call no parent want's to receive. I found out that my poor sweet girl was the victim of some serious cyber-bullying that then spilled into the classroom and I had no idea. A parent of another student brought forth some evidence of horrific things happening in a group chat after hours. Her daughter and my daughter were the targets. Five of her classmates...people she called friends...were spewing hate and breaking their spirits. As the teacher is telling me these things over the phone, my heart started breaking and I just wanted to wrap my girl up and make it all better.  But I couldn't. I wasn't there